Earlier this year, I decided to dedicate myself to doing hard things. Coming off a time of my life in which I was complacent and felt limited in my life, handcuffed to my self-constructed idea of myself—I was tired of it. After a few months of doing hard things, I’ve decided to report back on what I’ve learned in a listicle format that is unusual for me.

This particular piece stems from a question I asked myself last week which was, “why am I doing this?” You may have noticed this theme of doing hard things on this website lately (1, 2). I have been so knee deep in these experiences, taking them head on for a while now, that I nearly forgot why I started. When I remembered, I realized that just two months in, I have already experienced what I wanted and more.

The decision to take this journey on came from the fact that life is difficult. It just is. When I am in Mazunte, the environment produces the difficulty and I learned that that somehow makes me feel surprisingly good and balanced, and brings out a strong side of me despite being a beach town, that I liked. I realized if I want to preserve that part of me in the city, which is designed for comfort in some ways, I am going to have to purposefully expose myself to things that feel like the heat and humidity of Mazunte.

During my depression last year, I grew tired of feeling too small to take on life. Initially I had put myself in a little cocoon—I didn’t want anything else to cause me harm, until I realized my complacency was harming me. I had lost all my confidence and felt trapped in a life that I had no control over. And while I have made recent learnings around control (namely, that we have very little, even less than I thought), I realized there was no one that was going to save me from my disempowered, scared state than me. A journey began, starting with writing and making this website, and here we are. I guess after a cocoon, comes a butterfly.

For me, the hard things I have taken on that are easier to point to are learning new skills, but other things have been smaller and more embedded in my day to day life. For the sake of this piece, you may find more references to the classes I have been taking.

It’s also worth noting that I am fortunate to have been doing this journey alongside my friend Sade, who I have a weekly call friend call with on Monday mornings to ground myself. The calls started to replace conversations with co-workers but have now evolved into just a grounding call on our personal journeys, which we are on together and are strikingly similar.

1. Hard Things = Unescapable Hard Feelings

It may sound obvious but I learned quickly that commitment to do hard things does not absolve one of having to the feel feelings associated with doing hard things. Most of us avoid hard things, even if the end of the road is something we want. Say you really want to be good at powerlifting, or want to master French, or have an important but difficult conversation with someone you love. Because we want to avoid the feelings that come along with doing something new and difficult, we often avoid doing the things that supposedly lead to the things we want.

Sometimes, the desire to avoid those feelings of inadequacy and discomfort that come along with doing something that’s difficult are what stop us from growing. I decided I wanted to get past that and I learned the hard way that even when you decide to do the hard thing, and try to even embrace it as an exercise, you don’t get to circumvent the feelings. In fact, that’s the exercise really—being with hard feelings.

2. Unescapable Hard Feelings = Expansion of Persistence, Resilience, and Courage

Exercising hard things expands our abilities of persistence, resilience, and courage. By sticking with something despite how crappy it may feel to be bad at it, the “muscles” of persistence, resilience, and courage—the muscles that keep you stable and strong in the face of uncomfortable things—will grow.

In the middle of some of the activities I had taken on these last few months, there were a few moments where I just had to cry due to how out of my own depth I felt. In one case, my first Brazilian jujitsu class, it took me about two months to bring myself back to the class after the first one, but during the second class, I realized I had made so much progress in my ability to manage my feelings that I was able to really be with the class and even felt like I did great.

There was a substantial, noticeable improvement just in that time period, with no other practice other than how to manage my feelings, which really just allowed me to better center myself. For weeks, I did things that made me feel like crap and one day, much without noticing or much fanfare, I realized, just like that, I had grown as a person. The growth is continuous, but still, it’s something worth celebrating.

3. Acceptance, Patience, and Forgiveness Expand When Learning Resilience

I was surprised that my abilities to accept myself, forgive myself, and be patient with myself expanded as I did hard things. It makes sense if you think about it. If you expose yourself to things that are outside of your wheelhouse, you will likely suck. If you would like to continue the activity, you will need to find a way to not succumb to the negative feelings associated with doing hard things. That’s where acceptance, forgiveness, and patience came in, in a way that surprised me and made me glad, because I’ve always struggled with my own self acceptance, forgiveness, patience.

The acceptance came in as I had to accept the point I was at if I wanted to not give up, instead of making myself feel bad about being feel bad (isn’t that the worst?). The forgiveness came in when I had to forgive myself for not being better than I was, and when I had to forgive myself for judging myself (okay maybe that is the worst). The patience helped me endure day in and day out as, despite the acceptance and the forgiveness, I didn’t immediately get better. It also came in when remembering that when trying to obtain a skill versus a thing, saying sewing or Brazilian jujitsu, there is actually no real endpoint of obtaining the thing—these are skills people learn and practice for life. Patience, being able to be present with the moment while also acknowledging the grander picture, gave me what I needed to continue.

4. Growth is a Gradual Process

Growth is gradual and happens day by day, when we aren’t noticing it. Realizing that makes doing hard things a lot easier, as there is nothing to achieve and most days the hardest part is showing up. But until we realize that, we can beat ourselves up for not growing as fast as we’d like (what does that even mean?).

In a way we should be glad we don’t have to comprehend everything using our intellects in order to benefit from it, but it can feel daunting when we think we’re not growing because we’re holding ourselves to some sort of preconceived ideas, which usually speak more to how we feel about ourselves than the activity.

For example, after many weeks of sewing class, I was working with one of my teachers, Lola, and she handed me the garment and told me to sew a straight line, which is something I struggled with. I placed the fabric under the machine, and like that, I was sewing. I was certain the line was crooked, that there was a place or two where I messed up and that I may have to unstitch it. But much to my surprise, when I removed the fabric from the machine, the line was nearly perfect, and placed in just the right place. Without noticing or realizing, without much conscious effort, I had improved.

5. The Hardest Part is Starting

Realizing growth is gradual has really caused me to rethink my Jump Right in Theory. Growth takes so long and happens as a result of long processes that it is hard to say one should jump right into something that is characterized by continual change. But what I will maintain is that when it comes to doing something hard, the hardest part is starting. So for that, I maintain my jump right in theory.

When we do hard things, especially with intentionality and as an exercise, we are essentially asking our small self, the ego, to volunteer to die, in an opportunity to be reborn. Continuing to do hard things day in and day out, as a general mindset or as part of a continuous activity, means you will put your ego to death and get to experience the joy of rebirth more often. I figured eventually I should get so good at hard things that I will immediately put a version of me to death and be reborn upon starting. And this is why jumping right in is still so important. In a way, driving is most characterized by putting the key in the ignition. Starting anything is the most important thing you can do to complete that thing. Be brave, and start it all at once, once and for all.

6. Growth Happens in the Body

What amazed me about the above sewing story, in which I sewed a straight line without realizing it, was that I genuinely didn’t think I was doing anything better, different, or more than I had before. I had assumed when I got good enough to sew a straight line it would be due to a lot more intellectual focus, but in a way it was the opposite.

I allowed myself to sew larger stretches for longer amounts of time that day. After practicing for weeks, I finally trusted myself enough to try. Not even in my head I guess but in my body. This is key. Trusting yourself and trying come from practicing. Practicing is integral part of getting better at anything you suck at, especially things that aren’t “heady” but in the body. It turned out, just like that, through practice, trying, and the passage of time, my body had retained information that my mind still can’t really comprehend. The line was perfect. The body can retain information. It blew my mind that perhaps sewing—and therefore other hard things—can just come out of my body naturally, with no need for me to overthink, strategize, or plan (things that I tend to do too much).

7. The Mind Learns Faster than We Think

That said, there are some things that the mind can or needs to learn, and it can be easier than we think to do so. When I went to my second jujitsu class, which was weeks after my first class, I was surprised that I remembered information from the first class.

Sometimes when I’m reading a new idea I read the sentence really slowly to make sure I’ve got the idea. I consider each word and weigh it. I think about what it means. I allow it to make ripples across my mind. But maybe not all learning needs to be like this. Perhaps we can just let it wash over us and then be surprised, years later, when the idea has taken hold of us as if it’s a part of us—if we even notice.

8. Learning to Learn is a Skillset

Rarely are we so gifted at something that we just naturally display a knack for it, and even when we do, that comes along once or twice in a lifetime for the most of us. It’s humbling to decide to do a hard thing and find yourself in the student seat, especially after a long time of not doing that.

Choosing to learn something means choosing to be uncomfortable. Even the CEO of a company will be a beginning level student if they try a new skill for the first time. Nothing about being accomplished in one or many parts of your life means that you will naturally be good at things you find hard, or haven’t tried.

If you’re used to being successful and good at things, it’s likely you haven’t challenged yourself in a while. The discomfort associated with doing something hard for you, will feel extremely uneasy as perhaps you haven’t been taken out of your depth for a long time, and the feeling feels new.

Putting yourself in a learning mindset, where you’re okay with not being good at something, okay with taking in new information on a topic you know nothing about, okay with taking instruction from someone else, and being easy on yourself when you inevitably mess up—all of this is a skillset to be developed. And if you can develop it to the point of enjoyment—if you can develop the skill of being comfortable in discomfort—imagine how unstoppable you will be in fulfilling your dreams.

9. Capitalism Wants Us to Be Complacent

During our weekly friend calls since we started this journey, Sade and I sometimes wonder, why exactly are we as people averse to uncomfortable experiences? If you look back until the beginning of time, being uncomfortable was a large part of the human experience. Surely our ancestors were more accustomed to having to use their capacities for resilience and courage than we were given our environments.

We guessed that this idea that we are here to be happy, instead of here to master ourselves, came along with capitalism. Some people literally enslaved and murderer other people, justifying it based on arbitrary ideas like skin color, just to be able to accumulate wealth while complacently doing nothing.

We live in the modern day expression of that time. People idolize known assholes like Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg because they must be inherently fantastic for being so successful, and each of us sits on our rung of the corporate ladder, centering our lives on the next rung, not noticing that not only are our lives passing us by, but is this even how we want to be squandering our little time here on earth?

These are questions we don’t usually have time to even ask ourselves, Sade pointed out on one of our calls. But time isn’t the only issue—since in the US especially we are sold the idea that our ultimate calling is be happy, we find ways to make ourselves happy within the world we are offered as employees. Namely, brunch, bags, coffee, and social media validation take up the majority of our time outside of work, and provide us with dopamine just enough for us to not notice that we are not the ones running our lives, nor are we aware of who we really are.

10. The Point is to Develop Your Capacity to Be With Experiences

Alluding to what I mentioned before, one of the reasons I decided to do this was because I figured if I can learn to exercise the muscles required to do hard things, I will increase my capacity to be in hard experiences.

As my friend Sade said in our call last week, “hard doesn’t necessarily mean bad.” Sometimes you want to start a business, run a marathon, put yourself in a new social situation to make new friends, become fit—whatever! Those things are hard, but all good things at the same time! How many things are we leaving untouched for fear of being uncomfortable?

I was tired of allowing my need to avoid hard things prevent me from taking possession of my life. I was tired of not doing things I wanted to do because I was resisting the feelings that come along with hard things. Now, I’ve done the hard things I selected, and they no longer feel that hard—and I’d like to think I can do more and more hard things moving forward, further expanding on my capacity and allowing for a more and more grand life.

11. It Feels Good to Exert Yourself

You want to know something crazy about doing hard things? After a while, I realized it actually felt amazing to do them and know I could.

You know how sometimes in yoga class, you give a good stretch, and then the instructor tells everyone to stretch a little more? You think you can’t anymore, but then somehow you take a deep breath in, try a little harder, and the next thing you know, you have stretched a little further, and you’re amazed you had the capacity, and feel good that you exerted yourself with that one little push.

That’s what it feels like to do hard things on purpose. You’ll be amazed by what you’re capable of. The exertion, the sheer grit and feeling that you really gave something your all, feels amazing when it’s all said and done. And that exertion doesn’t feel as exerting as you thought it would—nothing is as uncomfortable as psyching yourself out over something and postponing it. You did it!

12. When You Let Fear Win, You Feel Bad

Once things start to click, you’ll feel happy that you’re no longer afraid of doing the things you said you wanted to. But on the opposite side of the spectrum, that feeling of avoiding the things you want to do because of whatever reason you’ve come up with—you can’t hide from it.

Whether you use the words when you put your head on your pillow at night or not, you are avoiding the hard things that lead to the things you want and you know it. That’s called being afraid.

Fear makes you complacent and static. It does the opposite of exertion—complacency prevents you from growing. But worst of all, it makes you feel bad because you know you’re hiding from yourself, you know you’re avoiding seeing yourself as capable, which makes you feel less than capable.

13. Balance is Key

Last week, after struggling with my uncomfortable things, I realized if doing uncomfortable things is meant to expose you to discomfort, I was going to have to find a way to ground myself.

I started thinking about familiar, comfortable things, as well as unfamiliar comfortable things, familiar uncomfortable things, alongside the unfamiliar uncomfortable things I was doing, and made up my own theory. That theory says that to reach true self-mastery, one must participate and balance all of all four types of activities. To lean too much on comfort and familiar makes you complacent, bored, and not confident. To lean too much on discomfort and unfamiliar will lead to burn out.

Each quadrant of this imaginary yin yang serves a different purpose in making you a more secure, confident, present person, and allows for you to pursue the others.

I’m still fleshing this theory out, and I am sure I will write about it later, but the fact remains: to do uncomfortable, unfamiliar (hard) things—to grow in your capacity for courage and resilience—you have to find ways to ground yourself in other capacities, like joy, creativity, and empowerment. And perhaps that is also one of the points of doing hard things—namely, once you get used to doing hard things, doing easy, comfortable, familiar things becomes more sweet, enjoyable, worthwhile, and most of all necessary.

14. The Big Point: Your Capacity for Joy Grows

All of this talk on hard things, fear, resilience, courage etc. may detract from one big point—perhaps THE point. And that is increasing your capacity for discomfort also increases your capacity for joy.

We all know that each of our feelings are limited by our willingness to experience the opposite feeling. If we are afraid to experience sadness we limit our ability to feel happiness. Experiencing depth of emotion is a general ability, and can’t be limited to just the ones we’d like to feel.

But I’m speaking even more practically. Avoiding hard things that will lead to the life I want didn’t make me happy. Overindulging in the things that kept me comfortable without needing them to ground myself didn’t necessarily make me happy or bring me joy either.

Facing your fears and allowing yourself to do the things you want to do even when they are uncomfortable will in the end make you happy. You will achieve the things you want, experience new experiences, feel the joy of having overcome a challenge, and know you are more capable than you imagined.

When you do what you want even if the cost is your emotions—when you can be with discomfort and access your power, you find joy. At the end of many, many uncomfortable things is joy. You did it, and you know you did it. And the more you exercise the muscles around discomfort, the more joy you invite into your life indefinitely and surely.